cries

[FreeStyle08]

why do I still feel so upset about ernie, I mean its been what 3 weeks now or so and yet I still cry my self to sleep and all thats on my mind is him. i just want him back SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad,

ya its not so strange any more not to hold his hand and stuff but ive noticed that when i talk to him via phone or IM or when im around him i get extremely angree and depressed.

why is it that every time I help make someone else happy i feel like crap. why cant I ever be happy after I make someone else happy.

[-Irwin Girl-]

We all miss people greatly..The week after I came home from gis and walts in january Iwas so depressed..I was so mad because somethign so good had to end.But it made me realize how much they mean to me adn how lucky I am to have them, even if its only once a month or so.I told gis how I felt adn as usual she gave me the best advice alogn with three words that always almost make me tear up, i love you.We all want somethign we can't have, we all miss things that arent there and we all wish somebody would help us when we fall.But because our mind is so wrapped up in worries,sadness and all our feelings we forget that theres people around us that love us, that want us to succed and that want the best for us.That love us, no matter what emotion we are in. Life is confusing, and as girls the majority of oru life is love.I can tell you right now I'll probably be 20 and still snuggling with my non birth parents before my boyfriend.Not because I don't love boys, but because I cant stand the thought of not having my non birth parents.

We all overlook the important things, we all take the people we love for granted.We all want somebody to appricate us more, when we dont appriciate the people who love us nearly enough.All it would take was a simple email that ended in i love you, but we dont send them half the time.We do ti when its convienent for us, not when they need it.We all do it, we are all victims to it.Try emailing a poem you wrote, an essay you wrote, a picture you took or somethign yuo created to people and ending it in i love you..Getting that shows people that you love them, you are willing to make time for them and mroe importantly you THINK about them.I was floored with hapiness when gis and walt wished me happy birthday from aruba..It meant they had thought of me.And knowing somebody has thought of you is just an amazing feeling.(no that wasnt jsut directed at yuo)

okay so ive wrote my book, if yuo get somethign from it thats awesome, if you dont understand it thats fine, if youre ready to kill me thats okay too.For everybody is diffrent adn everybody need diffrent guidance, diffrent wording adn diffrent help.Eveybodys diffrent,everybody is an indivual.

[FreeStyle08]

thanks kansas and you are so right I need to think more about the people around me that love me and not a stupid boy that has the nerve to make me cry.

and I love you kansas, and every one else.

and your are right again I do need to send emails more offten that just the 3 simple words. "I love you"

[-Irwin Girl-]

Thanks JJ, i love yuo too and I'm always here for you:)

I know, I called pat today b/c shes sick and realized..wow imagine how happy she must(or at least i would feel) if somebody did that, if somebody showed me they cared.We all want to eb lvoed and cared for, we all feel we do it.Its realizing we dont do ti enough adn that if we do it to somebody, we will recieve it back. It takes somepeople a lifetime, some people a fw years.We loose the five year old in us, the one who always told the popele they loved how they felt.Its amazing how my advice has changed since I met gis, shes taguht me alot andshown me that taking sides with the person doesnt help, helping them see both sides does.So if yuove noticed and liked the change then thank gis, if yuo dont well then bite meXD

[FreeStyle08]

i love the change in you Kansas, and right now before I do much else im going to email everyone I love and send them thoughs three simple words.

[-Irwin Girl-]

Good for you JJ!And btw don't forget to tell yourself how much you love being you:) (no matter how annoying being yourself can get)

[FreeStyle08]

one question kansas, how can i tell my self that i love my self when i dont love who I am?

[-Irwin Girl-]

if yuo dont love who you are, you're not ebing yourself.Either that or you are too busy wanting to be somethign else to realize how good you are.I personally have that question all the time, I go to answer it and go well I love that I know the people I do.I realiized I needed to relax, stop worrying abotu what everyone thinsk and be myself.Take chances, and make msitakes.I personally force myself to feel the need to be perfect, liek not getting perfect plus the bomus wasnt good enough, because i could have done better.Then I realized, well who am I?Then to come to that conclusion I asked myself, when Im relaxed adn with people I love who am I?what do i do?how do I feel? I am sarcastic,caring,smart, beautiful(in my own way),happy, joyful, outgoing, mature etc.One thign I am constantly told is I am extremly mature.I always though phh yeah right.But Michelle, my non blood sister, met me and thought I was 17.When I told her I was in grade eight she was floored!!You have to realize what people liek about you, and although people aroudn yuo may not show you they love yuo etc, use us for this.We love you, but why?Because your kind,caring ...you fill in the rest(not that I cant lsit things off about you, but that would defeat the purpose of helping yuo realize adn love who you are).

[FreeStyle08]

Man Kansas how come you are so good about puting things into other prospectives.

and one thing I always here is that im beautiful but yet i dont feel beautiful, I feel like im the UGLEST thing in the world.

and people say that im such a good rider and its obvious I am a good rider but yet all I can see is the stuff I need to improve on and I feel like I never deserve the awards I win even though I work I disagree off for them.

and im going to be totaly honest with you kansas.

with the stuff you have told me it gives me a Brand-new prospective on EVERY THING. I mean not just that i need to show distant family that I love them but be kinder to my imedate family, and that i dont always need to be on the defince and stuff. and I think the most important is my priorities. the last 2 years my Cusin has been beging me to come down and see her and becuase most of my horse shows were during summer break and stuff I told her I dont have time.

but now becuase of you helping me get a new look on life and stuff my horses and showing isnt the first thing on my list any more like it use to be. and were im not going to put horses last on my list there not first on my list eather. so this year if it means that i need to miss a few horse shows to see my cusin then guess what thats what im going to do. baby will be fine for a few weeks or a month with out going to a show or being worked but as I have found out the hard way family and freinds should be somewere near the top of your list. horses come and go and you can get a new one if one dies, but if a freind or family member dies you cant just go out and by a new freind or grandma or any thing.

so really I need to thank you Kanses and if you ever see me slipping back into my old ways PLEASE pull me out of it and make me relize the important things in life.

were now its
school
seeing my cusin
horses
hanging with freind/taking time for my self

were last year and year before it was
horses
school
cusin
freind/my time

[-Irwin Girl-]

I know how yuo feel, I was like that with pixie.I was ready to just scream because of all the stress and issues she has. But instead of thinking yuo need to get somethign done, think it'd be nice.Don't put pressure on yourself to eb perfect,accept that you are yuo and nothing can ever change that.Dont look at how baby screws up, look at how much baby improved.Dont look at the ugly points of your body, look at the parts you like.Sometimes you have to look inside to find somethign you like, but thats okay.Seeing your outer beauty and your inner beauty at the same time takes awhile, takes time. I personally really like my eyes, you may personally like your smile.People like diffrent thigns about everyone, for everbody has an oppinion.Find somethign yuo liek about you,baby, your friends, your room whatever and think about THAT, dont think abotu what yuo dont like, think abotu what you do like.Today I rode pixie adn had no omg why cant she ever behave moments, she did buck today, she did try to run to the other horse but I never got mad at her I jsut took it all instride and remebr to tell her how good she was being.I jsut kept going, no matter what she through at me.And thats what yuo have to try and do, rember what you like adn fix or mentally realize that its not that bad with.

JJ, hearing that literally makes me day.I love helping people, adn to know im helping is jsut amazing!Im so happy that I can even give yuo a peace of what gis did for me, I used to go omg my parents dont liek kids phh they barely talk to me but the other day it clicked with my dad, to him loving me is bragging to everyone else and just kind of not telling em because he doesnt no how.Everybody is diffrent, everybody thinks diffrent.We are all indivuals, no matter what we wear, what language we speak or what people we love.

Rember JJ, horses oru are family and they can't be replaced either.I'm glad to see you are realizing that other things do coem first, but do rember that horses are family and desrve your attention jsut as much as anybody else, sometimes they need you more, sometimes yuor human family does.Its hrd to know where to go and at what time and to know just how to handle it.No horse could ever replace pixie, Because like humans horses are indivduals. And btw make sure yuo take soem time for yourself, weather its taking a half hour at night to read or just sit and day dream with a cup of hot schocolate or whatever, life is never enjoyable if you never relax.Its like keeping emotions bottled up inside, it doesnt help yuo let go of them.

Yes I knwo I've probably confused the h*ll outta you now, but jsut remebr baby loves you adn so does your cousin adn of course me:)Make time for everybody, I knwo its hard to leave somebody or something for a weekend but it is worthit.It's hard for me to leave pats for a weekend to go see gis and walt, but its equally as hard to not spend time constantly with gis or constantly with pat.Pat gets more of my time becuase she is closer so that only makes sense but i do make time for gis, I make time for pat, I make time for pixie,I make time for school, you guys, myself.(and when I say gis I mean gis,walt&michelle, same with pat i mean pat and chuck)

I love you JJ, rember you are amazing no matter what anybody says:)

[FreeStyle08]

thanks. and dont worrie im deffinately not going to forget about any thing. especialy my horses, but i have relized that there is more to life then just taking care of them and spending every moment with them.

honestly now that me and my cousin have gotten older we are getting along a lot better and now I feel like if I dont spend more time with them especialy when she is personaly asking me to come over then i will regret it later on and that I will lose here and we will become distant and I dont want that.

I remember all the time I spent at my aunts I asked to go over, but it hasnt been but these last couple of years that my cousin has asked me if I can come over and visit. plus my cousin lives with 4 boys (including her dad) so she is a major tomboy and most of her freinds are guys and she doesnt get to girl talk veary often especialy with someone that is a little older and experenced a little more but yet can deffinatly relate to her because it was only a couple of years ago when I was there.

i just think i need to quite ditching her and stuff for my horse becuase that is what i was doing and its not fair to her especialy when i hear her in the back ground asked when im coming over.

[-Irwin Girl-]

Maybe its your turn to help her, to be her shoulder to cry on her sister. Family forgives you for everythign you've ever done and rembers everytime you reach a hand out to them. 'Chance made us cousins, hearts made us friends'.

JJ im so proud of you, you go girl you can CHANGE this world<3